Losing the will to survive


(2/12/2006)

From: Bill Steidtmann

Our story begins as ace news reporter Tom Pisteuo responds to a call to go to Mercy Hospital, where supposedly God lies ill, surrounded by several of the very finest evangelical leaders. Tom finds Willy Macket is willing to talk:

T: As I understand it, God has fallen ill.

W: He's over in that bed over there.

T: I don't see anything.

W: He's invisible. But you can see the bed sheets are rumpled. He's there alright.

T: What seems to be the problem? Is he unconscious?

W: No, it seems to be a depression, almost as if he's lost the will to go on being in charge.

T: How did that happen?

W: Someone gave him a copy of the King James Bible, and when he got to the part about Hell being forever, he was quite taken back.

T: Sure. Who wouldn't be? Why doesn't he just change what it says?

W: No! You can't change it once it's written down!

T: Oh, right.

W: God's original plan was that if he had 100 sheep to start with, he would have 100 when he finished, or if he had 10 coins and he lost one, he would turn the house upside down if necessary to get it back. All that has changed.

T: Shouldn't be too hard for God to fix it.

W: This eternal hell thing has completely blind-sided him. He sure didn't see that coming.

T: Bad planning? I thought he could see the future.

W: Originally he was going to will that all mankind be saved.

T: Yeah, isn't there a verse like that written down somewhere?

W: Not that I'm aware. Anyway this whole business of deciding who goes and who stays, is something God has lost the will to do. That's where Billy Graham comes in.

T: I see him standing over there next to the bed. I bet he'll know what to do.

W: He sure does. Right here in Executive Decision magazine. We simply make the decision ourselves, rather than burden God with it. Watch...

[Willy takes the magazine over and, with extra humility, lays it on the rumpled bed, and opens it to the DIY feature article "How To Get Saved in 4 Easy Steps". Beaming, Willy walks back over to Tom...]

T: How will we know if he likes the idea?

W: Well, I didn't get struck by lightning did I?

T: In an administration of grace God would tend not to strike pe...

W: Billy Graham has millions who listen to him, and God has prospered him right?

T: Yes, but God makes the sun to shine, and the rain to fall, on both the g...

W: Besides, God can't take the responsibility for creating all those people who just don't have the common decent sense to seek him. This way it's their own fault.

T: It's too bad the Bible got written down that way.

W: No worries. Our plan of salvation is working for the most part.

T: So...the plan is, trust myself.

W: Trust your will to survive!

T: Maybe somebody rumbled the bed deliberately, and God isn't where you think he is.

W: Nonsense! Just have faith in yourself.

 

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