by Frances Edstrom, columnist, Winona Post
Now that I’m retired, I have the time to do many things that I was unable to do during the years that I was working full time and raising a family. One of those things that I have neglected over the years is following the lives of Hollywood stars and other celebrities.
This year has been full of revelations about stars and their lives, which do not resemble ours in the least. Or at least I hope not.
First, I have a New Year’s resolution for a few of those Hollywood women: stop taking pictures of yourself in the nude and sending them out into the clouds, or the Cloud. Invite the guy over, for Pete’s sake. Personally, I can’t understand how anyone could make much money selling these hacked photos. There are already pictures of these women naked everywhere. Just pick up a magazine at the barbershop, or at the library! You’d think these guys would get tired of seeing the same naked woman over and over. After all, isn’t that what happens in a lot of marriages?
And for every star who wails about her privacy being invaded, there is another woman who is making millions selling her privacy, or at least her private parts. I mean, what is up with those Kardashians? They seem to have made enough money running around in the nude to pay their plastic surgery bills a thousandfold! Isn’t this a great country? You can become a multimillionairess simply by getting a bunch of injections and taking your clothes off. Who says you need a college education?
Marriage. Apparently if you are a celebrity you either don’t need it or you need a lot of it. I think they are on to something. An article in the New York Times claims that, “A body of demographic research presented at the conference of the Population Association of America here today indicates that marriage offers dramatic emotional, financial and even health benefits over the single life and cohabitation.”
While the rest of us poor slobs have spent the last three decades or so paying college tuition for the kids of divorce lawyers, paying for two houses instead of one, and spending all our spare change on Match.com, celebrities jump from one lucrative marriage to the next, getting better emotionally, financially and accruing all sorts of health benefits. We can’t even catch a break if we decide not to marry, but just “live together.” That’s bad for us, too!
And when they do get married, the smarter celebrities don’t choose the heavily injected Kardashians. Look at George Clooney. All those years of dragging bimbos off to his villa in Italy, and who does he marry? A lawyer with a good practice. He knows his looks are starting to go, and they’ll need some income.
Whom do we marry? Someone we fall in love with, without keeping in mind a retirement plan. “Oh, he’s funny, and kind, and considerate, a good kisser, blah, blah, blah,” we say, not, “Oh, he’s got a great career and a hefty 401K.”
Children? Whoever thinks of the children of these people? Who’s taking care of these kids while their mothers are taking off their clothes and their fathers are running off with Victoria’s Secret models?
Even the children of royalty are to be pitied. First, poor little Prince George seems to have picked up a few stray genes from his grandparents and some other less glamorous forbears. Then I read this headline, “Inside Princess Kate’s Plan for Juggling Two Kids Under 2.” I don’t have to read this article. I have been paying attention to how celebrities live. I already know the plan: hire the nanny and go to the gym. Commoners that we are, it takes us about a year to lose that “baby fat.” Kate has to get ready for her “look at me three months after my baby was born” photos.
My New Year’s resolution is to give up reading about celebrities. It’s just too darn depressing. Instead, when I am having my hair done, I will have to play Solitaire on my phone.
Happy New Year!