Sunday, April 28, 2002


by Fran Edstrom

Oh, those wedding fork blues

Weddings bring out the best in some and the worst in others. When I was a bride, I was a very grouchy one. John and I nearly called it off. But we didn't, and he has learned to live with a grouchy woman, I guess.

Morgan's sister Cassidy, who is her maid of honor, is one of those people who loves a wedding. She, usually more at home with some esoteric tool like a router or welder (or whatever they are), just goes all domestic and crafty when it comes to weddings. She seems to actually enjoy going shopping for brides' dresses and bridesmaids' dresses and she's known far and wide for the bachelorette parties she throws.

For a shower her friends are throwing for Morgan, Cassidy is making little favors and has some goofy game to play. It's nice to have someone in the family to take on the little niceties of such an event, because I am definitely not into little niceties.

I'm more of a big picture sort of person who is willing to let the details of an event fall into place by themselves. But I'm finding that a wedding is nothing but details. Since the wedding reception is outdoors, we must rent everything.

When I told John the price of each piece of flatware, he quickly did the math and smoke started to come out of his ears.

"How many pieces of silverware does each person need?" he demanded.

"Well," I said, "a minimum of four -- two forks, a knife and a spoon." He huffed and puffed about that to the point that I started thinking of alternatives. Maybe we could just hire a guy to go around and cut the guests' meat for them, I thought. We could post signs declaring the reception a knife-free area, like airports are. We could start rumors about fears of terroristic groomsmen. Or my sister suggested giving everyone a plastic "spork," or putting little cards on the tables telling the guests to save their dinner forks for the wedding cake.

But there really is no way to get out of giving the guests eating utensils, short of sending out postcards asking them to bring their own.

I was sharing these thoughts with Cassidy, who in her detailish way reminded me that we will also need cups, saucers, salt and pepper shakers, butter knives, cream and sugars, coffee pots, cake plates, water glassesAargh!
This is just too much for a person who successfully avoided birthday parties at Chuckie Cheese while raising three kids. My idea of a great birthday party was to let the kids run around wild, corralling them only long enough to eat cake and take part in the "ugly face" contest, which involved taking a Polaroid picture of each kid's idea of his ugliest face and letting them vote for the ugliest. With my party-giving background limited to that, how can I draw on my experience in this wedding reception?

Maybe we could just have a pizza party? (Why can't we all just get along?)

Click to read last issue's Postscript

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