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A Matter of Faith (02/24/2008)
Why Satan Loves Babies

by Bill Steidtmann

The other day I was thinking about a doctrine called "Age of Accountability". This is the belief that people who are unable to "make a decision for Christ" are necessarily exempt, and automatically go to Heaven if they die. This somewhat vague group of people includes, for example, the young, or the mentally handicapped. All of which sounds quite noble, aside from the business of actually finding the phrase "age of accountability" in the Bible, a somewhat more embarrassingly difficult task. In any event I thought it might be prudent to ask: What Would Satan Do?

If I were a demon, my primary mission would be to get as many people sent to Hell as possible. Lots of people think this about me anyway, so this should be easy to imagine. If the AofA doctrine (Age of Accountability) is true, then anyone who dies prior to that age would automatically go to Heaven. The only way for me, as a demon, to get anyone sent to Hell, is to make sure no one dies too soon. Hell forbid there should be any abortions, I wouldn't stand a chance of accomplishing anything. Therefore, as a demon who believes in AofA, I would be adamantly Pro-Life. I would be the biggest Pro-Life advocate ever, at all the Pro-Life rallies, leading the Pro-Life groups, raising money, increasing Pro-Life awareness through conferences, billboards, and pamphlets, and maybe an occasional radical illegal act, as long as it didn't hurt the PR too much, if I were a demon.

If I were a demon, and somehow managed to keep people alive until they reached the AofA, my next task would be to get them killed as soon as possible. There are lots of standard ways to do this, like violence or disease, but there's nothing like good old fashioned war, especially if it's a war with lots of hell-bound unbelievers. Wars are easy to start, and it doesn't matter whether it's a "just war" or not, just as long as there's lots of casualties, both military and civilian. That means I would have to vote Republican, if I were demon. Let's face it, the Democrats are just a bunch of long haired sandal clad peacemakers, and we all know who that sounds like, whereas the Republicans are big on war, and like to spend lots of money on it. I could also, as a Republican demon, feign being a member of the religious right-wing Christian community, maybe even go to church. Then I can talk about love and peace and forgiving my enemies, while keeping the war death machine running smoothly, if I were a demon.

All this "If I were a demon" business is wearying, so maybe I should be asking: WWJD if AofA were true? If I were Jesus, my primary mission would be to get as many people to Heaven as possible. One way to do this is to make lots of people mentally handicapped, so drinking and smoking during pregnancy would be mandatory. Better yet, those who die very young automatically go there, so I would be adamantly Pro-Abortion. Not just Pro-Choice, because choice means the person might choose life. Maybe if Jesus was a complete idiot He would leave salvation up to human choice, because sinful humans would never make the right choice. This needs to be sure, so I need to be Pro-Abortion, not Pro-Choice, and Heaven forbid that I should be Pro-Life, where people are guaranteed a chance to grow up and possibly make a decision for Satan and accept his offer of damnation. Nevertheless, in spite of my omnipotent efforts to keep them down, some people would grow up, and become accountable, so for those people I would want to keep them alive as long as possible. That means ending the wars, and getting Universal Health Care, so I would vote Democratic. As a long haired sandal clad peacemaking Democratic Jesus, I would keep in mind that it's more important for non-Christians to be kept alive, since they need more time. The believers, on the other hand, don't really need to stay any longer than necessary, and besides, given enough time they could turn against me and lose their salvation. So, a graded health care system where Christians get fewer benefits, and extra incentives for poor health, like say, funeral package discounts, would be the perfect situation, if I were Jesus and AofA were true.

But alas, I am not a demon, nor am I Jesus, and AofA is not true, because AofA comes from Decision Theology, and Decision Theology comes from human pride and the belief in an eternal hell, and the belief in an eternal hell comes from the mistranslation of the Greek word "aion" and the Hebrew word "olam", and those mistranslations probably come from demons, and I wouldn't want to be like them.



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