Engagement season is coming. Admit it, don’t you know someone who is hoping fervently for a diamond ring in her Christmas stocking? To ensure that engaged couples get started on the right foot, there are many online pre-marital questionnaires, with choices like this:
“When something is bothering me, I tend to
a. get quiet and secretly hope my partner will notice and pry it out
b. talk about it until I feel better
c. leave to be by myself for awhile, then talk later
d. bring it up, then get quiet
e. deal with it on my own”
I suppose if I were getting married, it would be good to know how my intended would answer the above question. But having already been married for over 40 years, I feel there are more important questions I would ask a prospective spouse.
About Christmas, for instance. Does he come from a Christmas Eve family or a Christmas Day family? I’d want to know if my intended expects that we will spend the holidays with his family, so his mother can make his favorite dishes. “I made the lefse from scratch, just like you used to love. You eat up, my darling little boy. Since you got married you are practically skin and bones!” And he won’t have to help with cleaning up. “Oh, sweetheart, we don’t see you nearly enough now that you’re married. You just sit there and chat with your dad! What’s-her-name will help with the dishes.”
I’d also want to know if the gift he is going buy me is actually what he, himself, wants. “Oh. An Elite Skinner Gut Hook knife. How thoughtful!” (An aside here: I had to clue my husband in that I actually wanted jewelry, not a new Dust Buster. It took bursting into tears, but that may have been overkill.)
Prospective brides would also be wise to think beyond the immediate future. Children, although the lights of our lives, do complicate a relationship. It would be good to know if your husband will be the sort of man who, when the kids get up at the crack of dawn on Christmas morning, says, “Go ahead downstairs with them, I need a few more winks.” What fun is that?
The most important thing to know, I think, is how he answers the questions below:
What is your favorite Christmas song?
a. Silent Night
b. White Christmas
c. Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer
d. LIttle Drummer Boy
e. John Denver getting in the spirit with Please Daddy Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas
f. Cyndi Lauper getting all diversity on us with Christmas Conga
g. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
h. All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth
i. Wonderful Christmas Time
If my fiancé chose “d” I would seriously think about calling off the wedding. It is by far the most annoying and boring Christmas song ever, even worst than “The Twelve Days of Christmas!”
Don’t send me an email or call me to tell me I’m wrong about your favorite song. It doesn’t matter, because you and I aren’t engaged and planning a wedding that our parents will still be paying for when we’re hiring a divorce attorney.
On Christmas morning, when your daughter, friend, neighbor, or co-worker flashes her sparkling ring finger in front of your face, the best gift you could give her would be this column. You could be saving her from a lifetime of grinding her teeth while her husband sings along to Duck Dynasty’s “Ragin’ Cajun Redneck Christmas.”